Why the hell don't people see the signs?

Thomas Cole

Once again a local high school coach has been arrested for sexual misconduct with students. At the risk of getting hate mail (although no one reads this anymore) I am going to lay it out bluntly rather than dancing around the facts in an attempt to appear SENSITIVE or politically correct or FAIR. In some situations fairness is just not called for.

Here are the FACTS:

Sexual predators and pedophiles have a profile. Just like serial killers or certain types of criminals, these people usually share several similar traits. By being aware of these things we can protect our children. Why the HELL don't we investigate people who have the specific traits and characteristics of these people? Because....it would be discriminating against them.

Ok. I say SO WHAT? If you had nothing to hide would you mind someone checking into your background? (I know, many of us would....I would to, but hear me out).

First of all, when a SINGLE male chooses to coach children/teens (male or female) its a yellow flag, add the fact that this guy is in his late 20's or older and LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS and the flag becomes bright red. Those are just two things on the list but 99.9% of the time predators are single and live with their parents and are "loners".

I hate saying this, I really do, because I know some young single guys that truly want to make a positive difference in the lives of young people, and its not fair that they should fall under suspect of such a heinous offense....but it may catch some predators before they strike.

Once again - parents, warn your kids. Don't scare them, just warn them. I know what we think, my parents thought it too "nothing will happen to my child, we live in a safe area, I know my neighbors, I know my kid's teachers and coaches and the priest at church and ....... "

You get the idea. Do you REALLY know? Its better to be suspicious than sorry.

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A blog worth checking out!

I just ran across a horrifying story of a woman who was raped while vacationing in Mexico.  The blog I found it on i s called "Michelle Says So" and I will add it to my links.  She's got some important posts and a seperate blog dedicated to obtaining justice for Natalee Holloway.

Priest takes kid to motel room

Attorneys agreed to plea bargain for Rev. Luis Eduardo Ramirez, who was bailed out by religious order.

A Roman Catholic priest facing criminal charges for taking an unaccompanied youth to a motel room was removed from his Santa Ana parish and placed in an area monastery pending his sentencing today in the case.

I am sick of all this. I write here because I think people need to know the ugly truth, but it depresses the hell out of me.

Story here

Pedophile "Librarian" Jailed

Philip Anthony Thompson

Thompson, 27, admitted 27 charges, including causing children aged under 13 to engage in sexual activity.

Story Here. Glad he's in jail, I hope the other inmates find out why.

Bill O'Reilly is an Asshole

Sorry for the title of this post - I had some much harsher words chosen but decided to tone it down.

I feel ILL when I hear crap like this:

It was her own fault she was RAPED (and in this case MURDERED) because she was walking alone wearing revealing clothing.

This statement is ignorant but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that it implies she DESERVED THIS. She got what she asked for. Women who dress a certain way are advertising that they want to be raped and/or murdered or both.

O'Reilly said:

She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at two in the morning.

full story here

No, it is not a wise choice to be walking alone at night - for men or women in any type of clothing. But we ALL make poor judgements. Yes, this girl was drunk - Mr. O'Reilly, when you were 18 did you ever get drunk and make a bad decision? Do you think you deserved to be raped and murdered because of it?

I am too pissed off to say anything else. I think this is why rapists are walking around the streets - because people like Bill O'Reilly sit on a frigging jury and decide the victim in guilty for wearing a short skirt and a halter top.

I wonder how he'd feel if she was his daughter? Because she was somebodies daughter and now she's dead.

Pastors Have Sex with Kids in Their Youth Ministy

This makes me so sick. Every day there are stories like this. I ask again, who can we trust our children with? Answer: ?????

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- A Maryville church has closed it's doors indefinitely after a married couple, who are youth ministers at the church, are charged with sex crimes.

Michael Salazar, 35, is charged with three counts of sexual battery by an authority figure, and three counts of statutory rape by an authority figure.

Laura Lee Click Salazar, 35, is charged with one count of sexual battery by an authority figure, and one count of statutory rape by an authority figure.

Maryville Police Chief Tony Crisp says this investigation began on Aug. 15 when three teen girls, their parents, and their youth pastor, accused the Salazar's of sexual misconduct.

That's when officials conducted an official investigation interviewing four teenage girls who say the Salazars took part in individual sex acts beginning in September 2007.

At the church, there is a note on the door saying they're closed until further notice.

Pastor Keith Briefly says his church is very hurt by this event.

Police Chief Crisp says the case is under investigation.

Chief Crisp says there may be more victims, and he is asking for them to come forward.

"Certainly it is sickening and troubling that this is going on anywhere, and especially in our neighborhood. it's even more disturbing, right here at home, but we've done a very diligent investigation."

Illinois: Settlement in Clergy Sexual Abuse Cases

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published: August 12, 2008

The Archdiocese of Chicago said it had agreed to pay more than $12.6 million to settle lawsuits by 16 people who accused priests of sexual abuse. “My hope is that these settlements will help the survivors and their families begin to heal and move forward,” the archbishop, Cardinal Francis George, said in a separate statement in which he apologized for the abuse.

Money is nice and all...but these victims lives have been messed up and there is nothing that can  change that.  Of all the types of predators out there, those hiding behind the name of religion infuriate and disgust me the most.

I haven't written much personal here lately...just don't have the energy to get myself all riled up again over my own past.  

This Time a Karate Instructor:

Karate instructor charged with molesting 6 boys in his studio

from the Orange County, Register
California


What the hell can be done? Who can we trust? Over and over and over this happens. This is not an unfortunate incident - this is a life changing event that will scar these boys forever and possibly turn them into the kind of monster that this guy is.

"You seem fine, how did it affect your life?"

I've been asked this question quite a few times. I have two answers, the short one and the long one. I usually say the short one unless I feel that the person asking really wants to understand or it would benefit them in someway to understand.

Short answer:

It was a long time ago, I've healed.

Long answer:

I seem fine on the surface, but if you know me well you know that I am not "fine".

I spent many years of my life trying to ignore all the emotions that stemmed from my past. It was like I had to be IN CONTROL of my emotions and of men. Since I am a relatively quiet, "sweet" person I couldn't use my personality to control them. Instead, I used the one "weapon" I had - sexuality. I prided myself in being able to seduce any man/boy that struck my fancy. I saw absolutely nothing immoral, unusual or unsafe about it. It was who I was, what I did.

You would think the main person I hurt with this lifestyle would be myself, but that's not the case. Whether we like it or not, our actions always affect those around us. I've had conversations with some friends who have admitted to me that my behavior influenced them in a negative way.

I know I also hurt some really nice guys who actually cared for me. I was not comfortable with guys who treated me well, respected me and were decent human beings. The pattern was always the same:

Meet a nice guy, date him for awhile, he'd fall in love with me, I'd get uncomfortable and leave him for someone that was abusive, mean and typically either a drug addict or alcoholic. Then when I was sick of the abuse (mostly verbal) I'd leave for a nice guy and the pattern would repeat itself.

The only thing that broke that pattern was having a child. I stayed away from men for 11 years and the pattern was finally broken because my heart, mind and soul changed when I became a mom. That simplifies it but you get the idea.

But am I "fine"? No. I wouldn't say that a 48 year old single woman who cries herself to sleep because she's lonely is fine. But that's what I do sometimes.

Coach Caught with Child Pornography

Once again the same scenario - a guy working at a job that involves young boys to give him access to them. The article doesn't say anything about a past record or accuse him of any acts other than having child porn (of boys).

Its very sad that we have to suspect men (and sometimes women) who choose to coach, teach or volunteer with our youth. But that's the MO of most pedophiles. What a shame for the legitimate people who want to make an impact and help/teach/mentor young people.

I'm glad that there are task forces in place to investigate. Lets hope they caught this guy before he acted out and can keep a close eye on him from here on out. Anyone want to make a wager on whether or not he was a victim of a pedophile in his youth? I'll bet my entire savings on it.

Full Story Here

Jon Benet Ramsey Case

The headline news say that her family has been "cleared" due to new DNA evidence that they found on her body that did not belong to anyone in her family.

All I have to say is:

That's great but that does NOT dismiss all the other evidence.

SOMEONE was sexually abusing her for a long time. That's what the evidence shows. There's a lot more evidence but I've made my point.

Brooke Bennett is found dead - Anyone surprised by that?

I wrote about Brooke Bennett on my other blog today.

She's a young girl (12) that has been missing and was found dead today, murdered by her uncle, a convicted sex offender.

What can be done to protect our children? My suggestion would be to castrate convicted pedophiles and if that doesn't work they could have their penis removed. Of course that may still not work because they can still do horrific things to a child without one.

I am sick of it.

They say we as parents need to teach our children to be aware, etc. etc. I agree, yet it saddens me that kids can't enjoy being kids. I don't know what the answer is.

I am a victim. My life is not horrible, but I have never had a healthy relationship with a man.

Its horrifying to wonder what the last hours of her life were like. Its easier to just push it out of one's mind. I wish I could be so lucky to just close my mind and not care.

I don't write here often - I appreciate the women and men who have dedicated their time to blogging/writing daily on these topics (see links). I read your blogs even if I don't comment.

P.S. WHEN WILL THEY FIGURE OUT THAT THESE PEOPLE CAN NOT BE HELPED AND DO SOMETHING TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM KIDS?

These guys deserve NO SYMPATHY

Greg Haidl Rape Case

this case makes me ill not only because of what these guys did, but the publics reaction to it. Its the classic case of the victim being seen as "asking for it" or "deserving it".

A recap: Three teenage guys were partying with a girl. I believe one of them had had sex with her previously and she was bragging about how she wanted to be a porn star. At one point she passed out and they put her on the pool table and proceeded to rape her and also inserted objects in both her vagina and rectum including a pool cue, Snapple bottle, juice can, and even a lit cigarette. They videotaped the entire thing. That's right - its on tape so there was NO DENYING THAT IT HAPPENED.

Yet, this case had to be tried twice because the first jury FOUND THEM INNOCENT. They totally judged the girl in this case as being a slut and therefore she deserved what she had coming. I'd love to see their reaction if that was one of their daughters on the video tape. The victims morals were on trial rather than the reactions of these sadistic young men who LAUGHED DURIING THE TRIAL and BRAGGED ABOUT IT. Then he committed a similar crime less than two years later.

Here's an article on it from one of our local papers. (did I mention his dad is an assistant sheriff for our county. Here and they are very wealthy. Funny thing - the defense attorney they hired also has a past sex conviction for having sex with a minor....)

For the rest of their lives one "false move" and they will be back in jail. They are now registered sex offenders.

The Time I Got Away

I never thought I'd share this with anyone but it been eating away at me. I keep running into the guy so I am assuming that's a sign or something. I mean after all, the purpose of this blog is to educate others and make them aware...


I like to think of myself as saavy and smart when it comes to men. A survivor. A woman that would never take risks that would put her in harm's away. After all I've been raped twice...TWICE!

So a few years ago I meet this guy, Joe. I meet him online on a social networking site (Facebook). How harmless - facebook is like myspace for GROWN UPS right? Well he worked at the local college and lived next door to one of my son's best friends, just a few streets away. I had no idea what he looked like because he used Bob Marley as his photo.

Anyhow we chatted off and on for months, never even hinting at anything sexual. But I did develop a little crush on him and gave him my number. He sounded good looking on the phone. He seemed really nice. He LIKED me.

So one night he called and said "hey this is crazy that we live so close and have never met, why don't you drive by here and I will meet you in front of my house just to say hi and break the ice". I assumed this was his way of checking me out before taking me on a date. (He'd seen my pic).

Against my better judge's and against my NUMBER ONE DATING RULE (always meet in a public place for a first date and bring your own car), I went over there. When I got there he was standing in the driveway rolling a cigarette. He was cuter than I even imagined. He was tall, dark hair, green eyes, and a big scar across his face that made him look a bit intimidating.

He hugged me. I smelled alcohol on his breath. We chatted outside for a few minutes, it was nice. Then he took me by the hand and said "hey, i need a glass of water" and headed for the inside of his house. I heard the warning bells go off BUT as many, many, many women in this situation think, my thoughts were:

"I'm being silly, he's a nice guy, it would insult him if I acted like I thought I couldn't trust him, he's not going to try anything, I'll be safe"

Famous last thoughts.

We went in, he offered me a drink, I said no thanks, he poured us both a water and went and sat on the couch. I sat a few feet away. He continued talking about this and that and I started to relax.

Then, without warning he was next to me trying to kiss me. I pushed him away. He pinned me down and said some foul things about what he wanted to do to me. I can't tell you what exactly went through my head at that moment but I was afraid for my life for the first and only time. The thought of my son hearing that I had been raped and murdered flashed through my mind. I found myself HOPING he'd only rape me. I kept saying NO and pushing at him and he finally got off me.

I was shaking like a leaf. I ran to my car. He followed me begging me to stop and talk. The second I drove off my cell phone was ringing. He called repeatedly for hours that night getting angry and angrier each time he got my voice mail. He finally gave up and I never heard from him again...

But last weekend I was in the liquor store buying some gum. When it was my turn I looked at the guy behind the counter and...it was HIM. I will never forget his face. He wasn't looking me in the eye and I was not sure if it was because he recognized me or not. So, I said "Do you remember me?" The look on his face told me that it took a second for him to register who I was....and once he did he seemed embarrassed. I acted cool but when I got in the car I started shaking.

So....be smart. Even "mature" women make stupid mistakes. I am so damn lucky. (I saw him again tonight while driving....)

This is so low....

Humanitarian Child Rapists

Who Can We Trust With Our Children?

Dead investigator had extensive child-porn collection

Hundreds of images discovered in deceased man's Aliso Viejo home. Authorities searching for more victims.

Stenger, a 41-year-old unmarried Aliso Viejo man, had extensive access to young children, teaching a "Tools for Tolerance" program for at-risk middle school students through a Neighborhood Enforcement Team and working with Little League, according to county officials. Investigators with the Orange County District Attorney's Office are looking for other potential victims who may have come in contact with Stenger.

A man convicted of sexually abusing his 4 week old son. The baby also had broken bones in all its limbs.

This man should never be allowed outside of prison walls again. I understand that most sexual abusers have been abused themselves - but what on earth creates this kind of monster?

And the mother - she's in prison for allowing it to happen.

Thankfully the baby has been adopted and hopefully this has not affected his life forever (I would think not since he's so young...but who knows what kind of fear and pain he experienced).

Excellent Article on Rape

I haven't been writing here much but a friend pointed out a really good article worth reading:

Pardon Me

The article ends with the important reminder that rape is NOT about sex, its about violence and control.

No Means No

I haven't written here in a while but have been keeping up with other blogs on the topic and am grateful to the writers out there that are using their voices to make people more aware of all forms of sexual abuse and violence.

2 Child Predators on One Street in My City

UPDATE: THEY ARE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE! And this predator's rap sheet goes back to the 60's!

I am not pleased to be informed that we have another sex offender in the area. This guy was just released from a mental hospital where he was being "treated". He moved in on the same street as another convicted child sex offender. What the hell?

If you've never checked out your area, I suggest you do. Even if you don't have children of your own we need to be aware and help keep kids safe.

Ironically I did a post earlier talking about how rare it is for kids to play outside these days. Its pretty sick that we have to worry about this but we do :(

How Many Sex Offenders Does it Take to Ruin a Neighborhood?

Apparently the city ofLong Beach, CA thinks its okay to house 12 - 14 of them in the same building which is in a family neighborhood and conveniently has a day care center directly behind it.

Sigh.

The sad fact of the matter is this:

Time and research has shown again and again that very rarely is a sex offender rehabilitated. They have an attraction to whatever it is that they do, for whatever reason they do it. Research also shows that most offenders strike again - its rarely a one-time thing.

Putting 12 men in this apartment together is wrong. The building owner receives $400 a month per person he houses there, so we know what his motivation is.

My question for him, "Do you have children? Would you move in next door to your own building with your wife and kids?"

It's dangerous. Its a temptation for these guys even if they have the best of intentions. Coupled with the fact that they are around 11 other men like them - that could lead to encouragement to go out there and find a victim.

Katie Couric Blew It

I never did understand what the big deal about Katie Couric is.

Check out this post on "Abyss of Hope" its good.

Who Lives Inside the Pedophile?

It's so easy to label someone and judge them for their behavior or personality. Without knowing a person's "story" we can't possibly know if there are factors in their life that have significantly molded them into who they are.

I am guilty of this every time I drive by the house on the corner of my street. I get so mad at the registered sex offender who lives there. I judge him, I hate him, I think he's evil. It makes me mad to see him living a life of luxury with a beautiful wife and two young children. It pisses me off that he has so many toys (boat, motorcycle, etc.) I think he deserves to be in prison.

But then I have to ask myself - - - why did he sexually abuse a child? I would bet my savings account that he was molested as a child himself (my savings is small, but that's not the point).

That's the true tragedy here - the more often it happens now, the more often it will happen in the future. Predators create predators.

So If I met Derek the sex offender when he was a boy - I would probably not hate him. He would be one of the people that I care so much about helping.

I have a hard time justifying NOT despising rapists, molesters and abusers. But peeling away all the layers usually you will find inside an abused boy or girl. That's just sad. That is what has to stop.

Men Get Raped Too

I mentioned in an earlier post that men are victims of approximately 15% of all rapes. Usually its a heterosexual male raping another heterosexual male - again a reminder: rape is NOT about sex, its about control, anger, violence....

I just heard from a friend about a man who was held for 24 hours at The Burning Man Festival and raped repeatedly during that time. How horrific. I don't know the details, and I don't want to.

The Burning Man Festival has had a lot of controversy surrounding it, they claim its about art and radical self expression - well I hope whoever radically expressed themselves by raping this young man spend time burning in jail.

The Latest on the Natalee Holloway Case

I was just watching a news segment on the video tape of Joran van der Sloot and at the same time I received a comment from a friend asking my opinion on it.

Glad you asked, Aprha, here are my thoughts:

Several things bother me about the case. It seemed obvious to me from the start that Joran van der Sloot was probably at fault but I wondered what his motive would be to kill her. I thought maybe he raped her and killed her so to protect himself, or more likely that she somehow accidentally died during their encounter.
So it was VERY disturbing to hear that she MAY have been alive when he decided to have her body dumped! I don't understand that at all! Why would he do that...unless as you said, Aphra, he gave her date rape drugs.

If it was consensual sex there would be no reason for him to try to cover it up. Her life could have been saved if indeed she was still alive.

Of course now he is saying that he was lying on the tape. I don't think so, but I suppose it could be true. I wish they could find her body and determine the exact cause of death, that would make a big difference.

Two additional things that disturb me about this are:

1) that young people equate "fun" with partying. I wish that would change. Drinking and doing drugs, like it or not, makes people more vulnerable to all kinds of trouble.

2) when Natalee "went missing" I remember one newscaster making a big point out how she was getting so much media attention because she is white and pretty. I wished that weren't true but in all the cases I have followed it does seem that other missing women don't get as much attention as pretty white girls. That's sick and wrong. There are two I can think of off the top of my head that I heard about and then....nothing. They are forgotten, and I know for sure one is still missing because she's local and I can look at her parents website.

So, those are my thoughts. I think he's guilty and most likely used date rape drugs.

Helpful Info:

I saw this information over at Holly's Fight for Justice Blog.

I think young women need to be taught these things.

When dose rape occur?

When you least suspect it, like in the company of a trusted friend.
When your guard is not up like when your sleeping, ill, on medication, drunk, or cannot physically defend yourself. Anytime, anywhere, alone, or in a group.
Institutions like jail, juvenile hall, etc.

Who gets raped?

Male and female; infants, children, teens, adults, handicaped, and the elderly.

Have A Plan

1. Always tell your family or friends where you are going and with who, giving them as much information as possible about the person, like their address, Lic. plate number, make model of vehicle, phone number, place of employment, where born, stuff like that so in case something bad dose happened your friends and family will be better equipped to inform the police about the possible suspect.

2. Mace, throwing an object, making a loud notice, can in an instant give you a second to run to safety, but that doesn't always work as every circumstance and every perpetrator is different, as some perpetrators become more violent the more you resist, but at least have a plan.

3. If you go out to parties take a trusted proven friend with you so can take care of each other, and try not to go to the restroom alone, as some perpetrators look for opportunities there too.

4. If you don't have a dad or brothers, try not to tell people that, in fact telling them that your dad is a cop, or that you have a lot of brothers can be a deterant in some cases.

5. Anytime your at a party, bar, or any place, be especially aware of your drink, your food, your medication, even your cigarettes, try never to leave such items unattended even just for a little while, as that is all it takes for someone to drug you, and to create an opportunity.

What do you do if you are raped?

1. GET SAFE

If the rapist knows where you live call a trusted relative or friend, and go to their house and make sure that the perpetrator doesn't follow you there.

2. REPORT

If you were raped don't shower, wash your hands, brush your hair, or even brush your teeth, as your body is a crime scene. Call the police and your local rape crisis center, they are there to help you, even if the rapist is a family member or someone known to you. You can ask the doctor who is to collect the evidence for a sedative to help you go through the process easier. Make sure you get an HIV test to prove you are not currently infected with HIV, if the rapist transmitted HIV to you it will show up in about 3 months or more, ask many questions, document everything.

Male victims and victims who have been abused since childhood will tend to have greater difficulty reporting this type of crime than others, nevertheless it is advisable to talk to someone about it even if you decide not to reveal your identity at that particular time. But know that by bypassing an official report the perpetrator is likely to attack someone else, and should you change your mind in the future the police will not have the DNA evidence needed to prove your case.
Another good reason to report rape is in case you get infected with the HIV virus, which can take up to 3 months for medical professionals to confirm. Should you become infected due to the rape, you might be able to charge the rapist with a manslaughter paticularily if he knew he was HIV positive, you might also be able to sue him in civil court as well.

3. GET EMOTIONAL HELP

After an attack it's very important to get all the emotional support you can, wether you have reported the incident or not, you need to take care of your self. Call up your local rape crisis center for counseling, seek out a therapist or check out local support groups. Remember that no matter how careless, trusting, attractive, timid, or drunk you were, it's Not Your Fault!
RAPE IS A CRIME!

PRISONER RAPE

Since President George W. Bush signed into law the Prison Rape Elimination Act of 2003 on September 4, 2003, there is hope is on the horizon for thousands of youth and adult victims of prisoner rape.

Counseling Therapists

If your a survivor please know that personal therapy is crucial to your well
being and recovery. Free counseling is available in USA through a non-
profit organization called VOCA.

Call your local rape crisis center to locate a VOCA counseling center near you.
USA Search http://www.rainn.org/counseling.html
or call the hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE

International Search http://www.rainn.org/rccs.html
Or see International Hot Line Phone Numbers

Helpless to Help

A friend of mine is trying to leave an abusive relationship. The thing is - you can't TRY to do anything, you have to do it or not do it. I am praying for her to leave because her boyfriend has all of the signs.

I lied about being raped

I have to get this out. This blog has become therapeutic for me, I told myself I was starting it to give others a place to talk about their experience and to educate people, but its becoming clear that its for me.

Ok, here is what happened tonight: I lied to a woman in my class. Well, I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth so it feels like a lie. I told her I had been raped. The truth is, I have been raped twice. But even now....34 frigging years after the first rape and 31 years after the second, I am still ashamed and embarrassed and feel a certain amount of self blame.

I was afraid it I told her that it had happened twice (because lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place, right?) that she would think I was exaggerating, or that I was never really raped, or that I must have been asking for it.

I am 48 frigging years old and am still feeling this way about something that happened to me when I was 14 and 17! That's insane, sad and wrong. And...it could have been avoided IF someone I would have talked about it then to the right person. But I didn't. And the people I talked to said asinine things to me that made it worse. I have been carrying around anger and resentment for them for years and just saw that tonight for the first time (and here I am, thinking I knew all there was to know about myself...ha, I guess I didn't!)

Here is what I wish would have happened, perhaps this would have promoted healing instead of leading me down a path of promiscuity and more tragedy.

Me: I was raped
Other Person (OP): Oh my gosh, how horrifying, that is awful, what happened?
Me: (shares the details, cries, shares more)
OP: Listens while nodding head and holding my hand
Me: Crying, talking, reliving the horror of it and FEELING HEARD AND CARED FOR
OP: I am so sorry this happened to you, its awful, its tragic, you must have been so scared, I am so very sorry....(holds me and lets me cry)

The incident still would have had a negative effect on me, but if this would have been the scenario I guarantee I WOULD HAVE HAD A MUCH HEALTHIER LIFE, I WOULD HAVE NOT SPENT YEARS AGONIZING IN GUILT AND SHAME. And most of all, I would understand that rape is a crime about violence and control - not sex.

that's all for now...

What to say to a rape victim, and more of my story - Part One

I didn't learn this in training - I know this from experience. What you say to someone immediately following a rape, or anytime thereafter for that matter, can have a huge impact on the victim - negative or positive.

Since the majority of rapes are perpetrated by a person the victim knows, it is common for her to feel:

Guilty, Ashamed, Embarrassed - and to doubt herself "What did I do to cause him to think he could have sex with me?"

In the case of an abduction rape, the main thing is FEAR and it is much more traumatic. I'll stick with what I know and use myself as an example.

Things not to say:

"What were you wearing?"
"Did you come on to him?"
"Are you sure he raped you?"
"What did you do to give him the idea you wanted sex?"

You get the picture - do not say ANYTHING that even remotely suggests she did something to provoke the offender. She is most likely beating herself up with these questions and does not need you to enforce them. The bottom line is:

IF A WOMAN SAYS NO - AND THE MAN DOES NOT STOP - IT IS RAPE (or depending on what he does to her or makes her do to him some other form of sexual assault).

When I was raped I felt that I had put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and therefore I deserved it and got what I asked for. THAT IS BULLSHIT! I wish I could back in time and tell that 14 year old me that she did nothing wrong.

(deleted)

I personally believe that women do have a responsibility to behave the way they want to be treated. But I don't believe that if a woman chooses to wear revealing clothing it means "she's asking for it". If a woman starts to kiss a guy etc. and wants to stop - she has that right. I know several girls who have lost their virginity when they did not want to because they thought it would be worse to get a reputation as "a tease". Its frustrating to be all hot and then have to stop, but that's life....and rape could mean LIFE IN PRISON.

I had a very disturbing conversation with a man last night who would argue what I said above. He believes that there's a fine line between rape and "finishing what was started". I will have to save that for another time. Needless to say we disagreed on many points but it was a good conversation for me to have. It showed me how many people (men and women) view the victim.

More later...

Thoughts i need to get out

Once again I learned a lot tonight. Way too much to try and explain here, but it was interesting. Saw some graphic photos of damaged caused by rape. The forensic nurse was incredible. Too tired to talk about it, but she was impressive that 's for damn sure.

I doubted myself tonight while looking at a photo of an examining room and imagining myself sitting next to the victim as she undergoes a humiliating, painful exam. I am the type of person that would not want anyone around...I didn't even want anyone to KNOW what happened to me. I lived with my injuries and risked my health because that was preferable to the shame and intrusion and questions.

Can I really do this? I talked with the supervisor of the whole program and she has a feeling she will want to recruit me to do "more" whatever that means. I didn't ask her why because I don't ask questions like that. I have such a low self worth that I fear asking a questions that relate to me, my best friend gets SO MAD at me because I constantly divert conversations away from myself. I guess in that way, I will be the perfect advocate/counselor because that's what we are suppose to do - focus on the victim. If she asks us about ourself we need to change the topic back to her (in a polite non-obvious way).

But, when a crisis happens, or when someone is hurting, I have no problem focusing everything on the other person and helping them - its one of the few times I don't think self-conscious or self-defeating thoughts.

It reminds of the time a heard loud screaming and went outside to see a woman down the street hysterically yelling "my husband is dead!". I didn't know her but I ran over to her without thinking and just held her. She had come home from the store and found her husband floating face down in the swimming pool.

This blog is not suppose to be about me. But I guess in some ways, it is about me. Its about anyone who needs to talk about the experience of being raped. I like to pretend that I am "fine" when really, I am still full of shame and guilt and anger and it was eons ago. If I can talk even one woman through this process and help her NOT feel shame and guilt, all this will be worth it.

Tonight's Topic:

Tonight in the SAVA class we will be hearing from a Forensic Nurse and also learning about cultural diversity.

I always wanted to be a nurse, teacher or counselor but:

• I hated certain gross bodily secretions (blood doesn't bother me but vomit, pee, etc......I have a hard time with)
• I don't like teaching (I just wanted to encourage kids not teach them)
• I was too busy having "fun" to go to college to become a counselor of some type

Its never too late.

Heartbreaking

I ran across a blog today that broke my heart. It was written by a young woman in Kuwait who had been raped. All stories of rape are horrible, but hers is especially devastating (imo) because of her age and her culture and mostly - her self blame. This is the kind of story that rips my guts out and fills me with so much anger. He really messed up her life. Everything she writes sounds like is a classic example of what a victim endures emotionally. Some people even accused her of making her story up. I have no doubt that its true, whoever wrote it knows. Her link is in my sidebar, "Regaining Life After Rape" and Trying to Regain Life After Rape".

She abandoned her blogs in 2006 but I am hoping someday she will find the comment I left her:

If you ever find this comment, please, please email me. I want to talk to you about what you are going through and went through. Or leave a comment on my blog. You are not alone. It was not your fault. You are still a virgin until you choose not to be....maybe physically that was taken from you but in your heart its yours to keep till you freely choose to give it.

Thank You Anonymous

Someone left a comment here that is so important I am making a post out of it. This is such a typical scenario!

I hope I did not give the impression that most child molesters/rapists are pedophiles. In fact the opposite is true. As I pointed out earlier, a true pedophile is rare. Its the people in your neighborhood that look just like us that need to be watched. This is such a sad story, my heart breaks for this family.

Again, thank you Anonymous for sharing this:


I'm interested in this topic because my daughter was a victim of CSA. The perp was one of our best friends, someone with a wife and daughter the same age as ours, pillar of the community, "Christian", conservative, neighborhood watch, yada, yada, yada. His daughter and mine had been good friends since kindergarten. We babysat for each other; we spent Christmases together. Before I found out what he'd done, if I'd wanted to form a vigilante he would have been one of the first guys on the posse.

So I think it's important to emphasize that most molesting of children is not done by true pedophiles (who are fairly rare) but by your neighbour, your uncle, grandpa, the nice Christian youth pastor, the coach your kid adores, etc. I think these people do have a faulty circuit that makes it possible for them to justify having kids as sexual partners, but they do not see themselves as pedophiles, nor are children typically their first choice, unless it becomes a habit. They go after kids because it is easy. Quite simply they feel like having sex or simply abusing or humiliating someone and they know that the chances of it coming back to bite them are much less likely than if they choose an adult. They find an opportunity and they take advantage of it. In our case my husband was in the hospital with cancer so our attention was directed elsewhere when the abuse began. It continued for about a year. I thought my daughter's depression and anxiety was about her dad's cancer and school.

I'm not sure where the figure of 95% are family members comes from. The figure I have often seen is that 90% of the perpetrators are known to the victim (this includes teen date rape situations) and 60% are family members, the most common family abuser being a stepfather or "boyfriend" of the mother. But I know the statistics on child abuse vary so hugely as to make it almost impossible to say something meaningful at times. For example, sex offender activists are fond of saying that there is only a 5% or less recidivism rate based on studies conducted by the US justice department. However these were short term studies that might only follow the perp for a year after release. Corrections Canada did a much longer term study and found an overall recividism rate of 30% for all sex offenders and over 70% for pedophiles. Of course, this only describes those that are caught - presumably the dumbest ones.

The other figure that I've read consistently is that 1/4 girls and 1/7 boys will be sexually assaulted or abused before they are 18, for girls approximately 1/2 that number by the time they are 11. I've confirmed this with my own independent and unscientific poll of people close enough to me that I told them about my daughter's abuse. 1/4 of them were also sexually assaulted or abused as children. I had known some of them all my life (2 were siblings) and I hadn't know that about them - so strong was their shame that kept it a secret. I am not in some demographic anomaly. I'm middle-class educated white (not that it matters) Canadian, I live in a quiet suburban "safe" neighbourhood. I come from a loving intact family. My family and most of my friends are in the same demographic. I say this because some people think that these things only happen in poor, drug-addled, ethnic neighbourhoods - those are just the people getting caught.

The best way to keep your kids safe is to never let them be alone with a male (95% of molesters are male) But that's not possible, so the second best thing you can do is this:
-tell your kids about sexual abuse and tell them that it is important to tell you if anyone touches them or even tries to be alone with them, if they show them pictures of naked people or try to give them alcohol - even if it is their dad or their uncle or grandpa or even you. Tell them they have to tell more than one person and keep on telling until someone does something about it. Emphasize that if this happens that it has nothing to do with them, that the adult who does this has a problem and needs help. Tell them you are going to tell all your friends and your child's friends parents, and all your relatives that you have told them this. Then do it. Tell everybody who has anything to do with your kid that you have warned them to tell you if anyone tries to touch them and that you have regular talks about it. Bring it up in conversation frequently - loudly. Child molesters are cowards and opportunists. Just like thieves will pass on cars and houses with alarms, child molesters will pass on kids when they think there is a higher likelihood they will be caught.

As a parent I was stupid. I thought child molesters were that creepy guy living in his mother's basement who drove around in a white van with a puppy in the back. I thought if I warned my kids about "stranger danger" and lived in a nice, safe neighbourhood with nice, safe law-abiding friends my kids would be safe. I was squeamish about talking too much about sexual abuse because I didn't want my kids to be afraid. I even told my daughter's abuser this over dinner once - that I downplayed talking about sex abuse with my kids because I didn't want them to distrust adults and besides I knew they were always with someone I trusted. We pretty much handed her over on a platter. Her life has been ruined and our family wounded for ever and grief-stricken watching her try to fight the inner demons that try and destroy her.

The charges against the perp were eventually dropped because my daughter was too sick to testify. Even if it had gone to court a conviction would have been very difficult - his word against hers and she being a girl who by this time had serious mental health issues. Even if he had been convicted the best result we could have hoped for was a suspended sentence and a couple of years probation. The pig still lives in his big house with his happy family just around the corner.

Thinking outloud about child molesting priests and other pedophiles

I am not into statistics so I apologize for not researching this to lay out facts. This is just how I see it. I grew up in the Catholic church and our family knew two priests as close friends. I know that not all priests are perverts - but one of the two I knew did seem to have some issues. The other one left the priesthood, got married and had a family (my family was appalled by that - I loved it).

My point - not ALL priests are child molesters, probably if you looked at the numbers it would be a fairly small percent. But out of the ones who are my question is:

Did they become that way because of a vow of celibacy? Its unnatural to live a lifetime without sex (if ya ask me), so these priests had tons of sexual desires that they were not able to express. Instead of being a man about it and finding a woman, they chose children because they were the least likely to tell anyone about it. I don't get it...how can you say you love God enough to devote your life to him, but then molest the innocent children that you are suppose to be a spiritual father to (for non-Catholics, we refer to priests as "Father So and So")

My other question: Were some of these priests pedophiles that chose this vocation because they knew it would give them access to little boys and/or girls?

This reminds me, pedophiles seek out careers (or volunteer opportunities) where they will be in contact with children. Sad as it is, you should be suspicious of any male that volunteers as your child's sports coach unless they have a child on the team too. Pedophiles need access to children and will often volunteer at the YMCA or as a coach, etc. They look just like the rest of us - normal. There is no way to tell and if they've never been caught, there is nothing found on a background check. Its up to parents to be very cautions (how sad that we have to worry about this....)

Another thing pedophiles do is target single mothers with children the age and sex of their choice. In class we heard story after story of guys finding a woman who to date so he could have access to her kids. When caught the woman always said she had no idea, but admitted that she and her boyfriend didn't have a "sexual connection". UGH!!!!! A man who does not want sex with his girlfriend has a problem!!! (unless its for religious/moral reasons)

One problem with our society is that we have become so sensitive to offending someone, and so friggin politically correct about everything, that no one had the guts to question why males are in certain jobs. Clues that a guy is a pedophile:

• Never married
• over 35
• Lives with mom (or both parents or grandparents)
• Has a low paying job with gaps in employment
• Has few friends
• Enjoys childlike activities - arcades etc.

and

• Is a COLLECTOR of something

(we learned yesterday that ALL pedophiles have a collection of something that is neatly organized. It can be stamps, coins, baseball cards....or child porn. But they have never found a true pedophile that did not have a collection - use this info to check out anyone you suspect or as a red flag warning!)

Remember: Pedophiles and Child Molesters are not the same, there are child molesters everywhere! Be on the alert!

Here is a recent story out of my local paper

and a good article describing pedophiles

Endless Cycle

Lacey left a comment sharing about her cousin was molested by a priest as a child and how it ruined his entire life.

I wish she was exaggerating. I wish her comment was shocking.

But its neither, its common and its rampant.

In the case of Lacey's cousin it sounds as if he turned to alcohol and homosexuality and died of liver disease at the age of 39.

In many cases, male victims become the next generation of offenders. Then there are minority of boys and girls who grow up to live healthy lives.

Will the cycle ever end? That's one reason for this blog. The more people talk about these horrible subjects the more aware they are....and perhaps they can save the children that they know from becoming victims. That's the only hope I see

less victims now = less predators in the future

Inside the minds of criminals and cops....

Today's class was heavy and full of information. I don't know how much of it I will be able to use, but I now have "inside info" on what goes on behind the scenes in the investigation of a sexual abuse/rape case. It was fascinating to get hear what the cops go through and also what goes on in the mind of a sexual predator/rapist/etc.

The class was led by two police officers who are experts in the field. They shared stories, showed us videos of actual interrogations they had done, and even gave us some of their "secret techniques" for getting an offender to confess.

After the last couple of weeks we have heard some pretty hardcore stuff in class and even though none of us are desensitized, you do get accustomed to being horrified by these stories....but nothing prepared me something I heard today, I think the majority of the class gasped. Without too many details, I'll just share the bottom line:

I heard a 9 year old boy (on a recording) confront his dad and say "Dad, I didn't like it when you put your dick in my butt". The father said "Oh, I'm sorry buddy." Can you imagine? This happens all the time. Its unspeakable, so I won't even try to express how it made me feel to hear that innocent young voice saying that...In the above case the perpetrator is in prison and will hopefully stay there for a loooooong time.

Here is something new and upsetting I learned that relates to the above:

I pointed out Megan's Law website in a post the other day. I assumed that ALL the registered sex offenders in California had to sign up on that site. I was wrong. If you read the fine print you will learn that:

In the cases of FAMILY MEMBERS they have a choice of whether or not to register on the site. Who the hell would choose to do it if they don't have to!

BUT GET THIS - 95% OF THE OFFENDERS KNOWN BY THE VICTIM - 95%!!!!!!

So, all the pervs you see on there molested, raped or abused someone outside their family. There are a hell of a lot sickos still on the lose. The reasoning behind this? They have suffered enough because most of them lose their family as a result, many lose their jobs, etc. So why inconvenience then any further? Grrrrr?

That reminds me - all this applies to the State of California. Different states have different laws. The most lenient states: New Mexico and Nevada. The strictest: Texas.

Other thought that are rambling through my brain that I just have to get out:

1. A few years ago there was a horrendous rape case here....I don't even want to name it on my blog because its so disgusting. Well, the dude (he's only 22) got out of jail today and is once again freeing roaming the streets after only a three short years in prison.

2. Stereotypes can be accurate, or totally off base, but criminal profiles paint a very clear picture and we can use that info to protect our children and ourselves. For example, if your kid has a sports coach that is single and/or does not have a child on the team - you better make sure you keep an eye on him.

3. True pedophiles are actually uncommon. 85% of child molesters are "situational" and will act out with whoever is available rather than seeking them out. Sadly this is not an uncommon scenario: a guy is sitting around watching TV alone with his stepdaughter and has never sexually touched a kid is his life but for some reason he suddenly feels compelled to and....well it happens way too often.

4. A true pedophile will openly state that they LOVE children and that its perfectly natural for them to have the relationship they have. They think we are unloving for not understanding. Did you see the interview of Michael Jackson several years ago? Enough said.

5. Pedophiles CAN NOT BE REHABILITATED. There is proof of this (at least I am convinced)

a) some men actually ask to be physically castrated to try and stop their behavior. Even though this leaves them impotent and unable to have an erection, they still THINK about it all the time and often still molest children with their hands/mouth.

b) imagine this: You are a 40 year heterosexual woman. Can you suddenly change your sexual preference and start liking 6 year old boys? NO! And men who like 6 year old boys can't change their preference to mature woman either. Its just the way they have always been and will always be.

6. MySpace is not nearly as bad as people make it sound. The problem is when parents don't know what their kids are doing on it. Today's use of Myspace is the normal, typical way teens communicate....like when we used to talk on the phone for hours as teens - now they talk online.

7. If there are show's like "How to Catch a Predator" on TV how can anyone be stupid enough to still get caught? I don't know, but they do. Over and over again.

8. This is not really valid but I have to say it: Why is there always one very annoying person in any class that asks detailed long questions two minutes and makes everyone irritated? Thank goodness the cops leading the class didn't put up with it and told her to hold her frigging questions till the end. Of course that didn't stop her, but it did cut down on how often she did it.

9. We also saw a videotaped interview with a pedophile that was serving a life prison (without parole). He freely shared about what went through his mind, how he found his victims, how he gained their trust...etc. etc. It was very informative - and sickening.

Male Victims of Sexual Abuse

Last night's class was very informative and interesting. The first hour and a half we learned about how to talk specifically with boys and male adolescents.

Sexual abuse affects them very differently than girls because the majority of perpetrators are also male. So in addition to the trauma, humiliation, fear and anger one naturally goes through - these boys also wonder if this will make them homosexual, or maybe make them think they are homosexual because they experienced pleasure.

IMPORTANT FACT: Our bodies are designed to respond to pleasure. As difficult as it is to comprehend, even in the midst of a violent act such as rape or molestation, the victim may experience pleasure physically. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY ENJOY IT. It is a physical response to stimulus. They can be crying, angry and hurt and still be aroused.

Obviously in boys this is a more obvious response. This confuses them and makes them feel sickened with themselves for having that reaction physically while being violated. Its one of the thing that makes it difficult for them to report.

The average age for a boy to be sexually abused is between 6 - 14. At this age boys have an entirely different set of fears in addition to the fears that the girls have because of the same sex issues involved.

Its really very sad because our justice system does not seem to have the same sympathy for boys as girls....that is UNACCEPTABLE...and people are working to change it.

I will finish this later.

From Two to Ninety Two

Last nights class had two sections:

Child molestation

Elderly abuse/rape

During the session on children we learned mostly about how to talk to kids and use forms of play therapy to get them to talk. We didn't hear any detailed graphic stories - you can pick up your local paper or turn on the news to read about that, so she didn't feel the need to educate us on the "why or what" but on the "how" to help afterwards. It was informative.

The hardest thing to know about children being abused is that it is so often a family member, a father, step-father or older brother. Males and females are at equal risk. Its devastating for a child - obviously. But here's what gets to me:

When the mother KNOWS and chooses to go into denial rather than help her daughter. We heard several stories about that and I personally know someone who's mother turned a blind eye to her husband having sex with all three of her daughters. HOW can a mother do this?

What surprised me and devastated me was learning about elder abuse and rape. Its not something that gets talked about, and rarely gets reported. One woman that was raped was 92 year old. The question that comes up is:

"How could anyone possibly find a 92 year old woman sexually appealing?"

The answer is (this is the single most important fact about rape):

Rape is NOT ABOUT SEX
Its a violent crime that has to do with power and control
(the power and control are what get the rapist aroused, not the fact that the woman/man is sexy)

More on this later. I learned so much last night. It was sad.

I think child molestation IS about sex, but I didn't have a chance to ask that question. I will find out. Child molestation is different...I think...still learning.

The Worst Offenders of them All

I have class tonight. The topics will be Child Sexual Abuse. It won't be easy to listen to but its so important to learn how to deal with a child victim.

Its pretty common knowledge that in the prison system, those serving time for sexually abusing children are the most hated inmates of all - by other inmates and guards, and are often brutally attacked or even killed. Its inconceivable to most of us how anyone could use and abuse a young child that way.

Yet...chances are the predator was once an abused child him/herself. Not always, but more often than not.

So somewhere in time a terrible cycle was started that continued down through the generations.

What really makes me sick is the guys like that dude (don't even want his name on my blog) that proudly admit to liking little girls and even has a website giving hints to other pedophiles how to find them, with photos he's taken of little girls out in public places with their parents! He says he's never touched one and therefore has broken no laws. Right. I find that hard to believe.

When Megan's Law website (it lists all registered sex offenders by area) first appeared online I immediately did a search of my city and found about 20 men on it. ONE OF THEM WAS A NEIGHBOR

AND ONE OF THEM

WAS MY SON'S FORMER SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!
He was on there for:

Offense Code	Description
288(a)	LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS
288a(c)	ORAL COPULATION WITH PERSON UNDER 14/ETC OR BY FORCE/ETC
289(j)	SEX PENETRATION WITH FOREIGN OBJECT:VICTIM UNDER 14 YEARS

You can imagine how this made me feel? I had known this man, his wife and his son for 7 years when I went to the same church. People left thier kids with him every week. I was even his assistant for awhile. I never would imagine such a "nice guy" doing such vile acts.

Its our job as parents to teach our children that under NO CIRCUMSTANCE should anyone touch them inappropriately. Of course the trick is to teach them what that means at a level they can understand without scaring them and making them paranoid.

I also think we need to know who lives in our neighborhoods. I was shocked that the guy that lives so near me was on the list. Pedophiles are often seemingly "average" guys.

Being molested by an adult as a young child is so confusing and traumatic. Most of the people I know that have lived through it have had dealt with major relationship problems as a result.

I'll share anything helpful that I learn tonight.

There is only one way to stop rape

No one in our class could figure out what it was.

We came up with lots of way to AVOID being raped, but there is only one way for it to not happen:

When the rapist listens and responds to the word "NO".

This may sound simplistic, but think about it.

So, men are the only one who can stop rape.

Uncomfortable Topic

The subject of rape, child molestation or any form of sexual abuse is probably one of the most uncomfortable topics of all to talk about, but that's not a good excuse to keep silent. Educating people, especially young women, can make a difference.

This blog is for me because I need to talk about it both from the perspective of a survivor and as someone in training to be an advocate for victims.

This blog is for you because the more you know the more you can either help, or if you are also a victim, heal.

There is so much I want to say, I had to start a new blog to say it. Anyone who reads here is invited to contact me via email or in the comments. For years I did not share my story with anyone out of shame, fear, humiliation and self blame. Now its relatively easy for me to talk about. I'll be posting it soon.

SAVA Class One

Here are ten random points/thoughts I came away with after my class today:

1. There is only one way to stop rape. No one in our class could figure out what it was, before I reveal the answer I'd love to hear your thoughts.

2. Victim or Survivor? I belong to a forum for women that is a wonderful, safe, gentle and loving place for women who've been raped/assulted to share their stories and support other women (and there is a section for men as well). On the site they ask us to use the word SURVIVOR rather than VICTIM.

Today in class the instructor pointed out that even though someone determined that it was impoliticly correct and un-empowering to use the word "victim", it was an important part of the healing process to acknowledge that the person raped or abused was indeed a VICTIM. The number one reason women don't discuss rape is because of shame and thinking they were partly responsible for what happened. This is not true and its one of the main things I hope to educate people about here.

3. Child and adolescent survivors are 2 -5 times more likely to be attacked again in their lifetime.

4. Rape is not about sex. It is about power and control. Even though its sexual in nature, its VIOLENCE. Sadly people call it a "sex crime" which is very misleading (way more about this later!)

5. Regardless of what it seems like on TV, being the victim of a rape and going through the court process can take years and can be as degrading to the victim as the actual crime. It is a hard crime to prove and for juries to convict on. Later I will share a local story that is the most horrific example in California State history of a victim being put on trial for a brutal, vicious gang rape.

6. We learned about the history of rape from the beginning of civilization. It was very, very disturbing. Women were treated as objects/possessions for centuries.

7. 85% of all rapes are committed by an acquaintance of the victim (in my county the stat is 97%!).

8. The most common age for a rape victim is between 16 - 24.

9. Most stranger abduction rapists look like "normal" guys and are typically married with a family.

10. Jail sentences for rape are usually very lenient.