Its Not Your Fault!

Rape is forced, unwanted sexual intercourse. Rape, sometimes also called sexual assault, can happen to both men and women of any age.

Rape is about power, not sex. A rapist uses actual force or violence — or the threat of it — to take control over another human being. Some rapists use drugs to take away a person's ability to fight back. Rape is a crime, whether the person committing it is a stranger, a date, an acquaintance, or a family member.
No matter how it happened, rape is frightening and traumatizing. People who have been raped need care, comfort, and a way to heal.
What's the right thing to do if you've been raped? Take care of yourself in the best way for you. For some people, that means reporting the crime immediately and fighting to see the rapist brought to justice. For others it means seeking medical or emotional care without reporting the rape as a crime. Every person is different.
There are three things that everyone who has been raped should do, though:

1. Know that the rape wasn't your fault.
2. Seek medical care.
3. Deal with your feelings.

"You seem fine, how did it affect your life?"

I've been asked this question quite a few times. I have two answers, the short one and the long one. I usually say the short one unless I feel that the person asking really wants to understand or it would benefit them in someway to understand.

Short answer:

It was a long time ago, I've healed.

Long answer:

I seem fine on the surface, but if you know me well you know that I am not "fine".

I spent many years of my life trying to ignore all the emotions that stemmed from my past. It was like I had to be IN CONTROL of my emotions and of men. Since I am a relatively quiet, "sweet" person I couldn't use my personality to control them. Instead, I used the one "weapon" I had - sexuality. I prided myself in being able to seduce any man/boy that struck my fancy. I saw absolutely nothing immoral, unusual or unsafe about it. It was who I was, what I did.

You would think the main person I hurt with this lifestyle would be myself, but that's not the case. Whether we like it or not, our actions always affect those around us. I've had conversations with some friends who have admitted to me that my behavior influenced them in a negative way.

I know I also hurt some really nice guys who actually cared for me. I was not comfortable with guys who treated me well, respected me and were decent human beings. The pattern was always the same:

Meet a nice guy, date him for awhile, he'd fall in love with me, I'd get uncomfortable and leave him for someone that was abusive, mean and typically either a drug addict or alcoholic. Then when I was sick of the abuse (mostly verbal) I'd leave for a nice guy and the pattern would repeat itself.

The only thing that broke that pattern was having a child. I stayed away from men for 11 years and the pattern was finally broken because my heart, mind and soul changed when I became a mom. That simplifies it but you get the idea.

But am I "fine"? No. I wouldn't say that a 48 year old single woman who cries herself to sleep because she's lonely is fine. But that's what I do sometimes.