What to say to a rape victim, and more of my story - Part One

I didn't learn this in training - I know this from experience. What you say to someone immediately following a rape, or anytime thereafter for that matter, can have a huge impact on the victim - negative or positive.

Since the majority of rapes are perpetrated by a person the victim knows, it is common for her to feel:

Guilty, Ashamed, Embarrassed - and to doubt herself "What did I do to cause him to think he could have sex with me?"

In the case of an abduction rape, the main thing is FEAR and it is much more traumatic. I'll stick with what I know and use myself as an example.

Things not to say:

"What were you wearing?"
"Did you come on to him?"
"Are you sure he raped you?"
"What did you do to give him the idea you wanted sex?"

You get the picture - do not say ANYTHING that even remotely suggests she did something to provoke the offender. She is most likely beating herself up with these questions and does not need you to enforce them. The bottom line is:

IF A WOMAN SAYS NO - AND THE MAN DOES NOT STOP - IT IS RAPE (or depending on what he does to her or makes her do to him some other form of sexual assault).

When I was raped I felt that I had put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and therefore I deserved it and got what I asked for. THAT IS BULLSHIT! I wish I could back in time and tell that 14 year old me that she did nothing wrong.

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I personally believe that women do have a responsibility to behave the way they want to be treated. But I don't believe that if a woman chooses to wear revealing clothing it means "she's asking for it". If a woman starts to kiss a guy etc. and wants to stop - she has that right. I know several girls who have lost their virginity when they did not want to because they thought it would be worse to get a reputation as "a tease". Its frustrating to be all hot and then have to stop, but that's life....and rape could mean LIFE IN PRISON.

I had a very disturbing conversation with a man last night who would argue what I said above. He believes that there's a fine line between rape and "finishing what was started". I will have to save that for another time. Needless to say we disagreed on many points but it was a good conversation for me to have. It showed me how many people (men and women) view the victim.

More later...

Heartbreaking

I ran across a blog today that broke my heart. It was written by a young woman in Kuwait who had been raped. All stories of rape are horrible, but hers is especially devastating (imo) because of her age and her culture and mostly - her self blame. This is the kind of story that rips my guts out and fills me with so much anger. He really messed up her life. Everything she writes sounds like is a classic example of what a victim endures emotionally. Some people even accused her of making her story up. I have no doubt that its true, whoever wrote it knows. Her link is in my sidebar, "Regaining Life After Rape" and Trying to Regain Life After Rape".

She abandoned her blogs in 2006 but I am hoping someday she will find the comment I left her:

If you ever find this comment, please, please email me. I want to talk to you about what you are going through and went through. Or leave a comment on my blog. You are not alone. It was not your fault. You are still a virgin until you choose not to be....maybe physically that was taken from you but in your heart its yours to keep till you freely choose to give it.