"You seem fine, how did it affect your life?"

I've been asked this question quite a few times. I have two answers, the short one and the long one. I usually say the short one unless I feel that the person asking really wants to understand or it would benefit them in someway to understand.

Short answer:

It was a long time ago, I've healed.

Long answer:

I seem fine on the surface, but if you know me well you know that I am not "fine".

I spent many years of my life trying to ignore all the emotions that stemmed from my past. It was like I had to be IN CONTROL of my emotions and of men. Since I am a relatively quiet, "sweet" person I couldn't use my personality to control them. Instead, I used the one "weapon" I had - sexuality. I prided myself in being able to seduce any man/boy that struck my fancy. I saw absolutely nothing immoral, unusual or unsafe about it. It was who I was, what I did.

You would think the main person I hurt with this lifestyle would be myself, but that's not the case. Whether we like it or not, our actions always affect those around us. I've had conversations with some friends who have admitted to me that my behavior influenced them in a negative way.

I know I also hurt some really nice guys who actually cared for me. I was not comfortable with guys who treated me well, respected me and were decent human beings. The pattern was always the same:

Meet a nice guy, date him for awhile, he'd fall in love with me, I'd get uncomfortable and leave him for someone that was abusive, mean and typically either a drug addict or alcoholic. Then when I was sick of the abuse (mostly verbal) I'd leave for a nice guy and the pattern would repeat itself.

The only thing that broke that pattern was having a child. I stayed away from men for 11 years and the pattern was finally broken because my heart, mind and soul changed when I became a mom. That simplifies it but you get the idea.

But am I "fine"? No. I wouldn't say that a 48 year old single woman who cries herself to sleep because she's lonely is fine. But that's what I do sometimes.

The Time I Got Away

I never thought I'd share this with anyone but it been eating away at me. I keep running into the guy so I am assuming that's a sign or something. I mean after all, the purpose of this blog is to educate others and make them aware...


I like to think of myself as saavy and smart when it comes to men. A survivor. A woman that would never take risks that would put her in harm's away. After all I've been raped twice...TWICE!

So a few years ago I meet this guy, Joe. I meet him online on a social networking site (Facebook). How harmless - facebook is like myspace for GROWN UPS right? Well he worked at the local college and lived next door to one of my son's best friends, just a few streets away. I had no idea what he looked like because he used Bob Marley as his photo.

Anyhow we chatted off and on for months, never even hinting at anything sexual. But I did develop a little crush on him and gave him my number. He sounded good looking on the phone. He seemed really nice. He LIKED me.

So one night he called and said "hey this is crazy that we live so close and have never met, why don't you drive by here and I will meet you in front of my house just to say hi and break the ice". I assumed this was his way of checking me out before taking me on a date. (He'd seen my pic).

Against my better judge's and against my NUMBER ONE DATING RULE (always meet in a public place for a first date and bring your own car), I went over there. When I got there he was standing in the driveway rolling a cigarette. He was cuter than I even imagined. He was tall, dark hair, green eyes, and a big scar across his face that made him look a bit intimidating.

He hugged me. I smelled alcohol on his breath. We chatted outside for a few minutes, it was nice. Then he took me by the hand and said "hey, i need a glass of water" and headed for the inside of his house. I heard the warning bells go off BUT as many, many, many women in this situation think, my thoughts were:

"I'm being silly, he's a nice guy, it would insult him if I acted like I thought I couldn't trust him, he's not going to try anything, I'll be safe"

Famous last thoughts.

We went in, he offered me a drink, I said no thanks, he poured us both a water and went and sat on the couch. I sat a few feet away. He continued talking about this and that and I started to relax.

Then, without warning he was next to me trying to kiss me. I pushed him away. He pinned me down and said some foul things about what he wanted to do to me. I can't tell you what exactly went through my head at that moment but I was afraid for my life for the first and only time. The thought of my son hearing that I had been raped and murdered flashed through my mind. I found myself HOPING he'd only rape me. I kept saying NO and pushing at him and he finally got off me.

I was shaking like a leaf. I ran to my car. He followed me begging me to stop and talk. The second I drove off my cell phone was ringing. He called repeatedly for hours that night getting angry and angrier each time he got my voice mail. He finally gave up and I never heard from him again...

But last weekend I was in the liquor store buying some gum. When it was my turn I looked at the guy behind the counter and...it was HIM. I will never forget his face. He wasn't looking me in the eye and I was not sure if it was because he recognized me or not. So, I said "Do you remember me?" The look on his face told me that it took a second for him to register who I was....and once he did he seemed embarrassed. I acted cool but when I got in the car I started shaking.

So....be smart. Even "mature" women make stupid mistakes. I am so damn lucky. (I saw him again tonight while driving....)

I lied about being raped

I have to get this out. This blog has become therapeutic for me, I told myself I was starting it to give others a place to talk about their experience and to educate people, but its becoming clear that its for me.

Ok, here is what happened tonight: I lied to a woman in my class. Well, I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth so it feels like a lie. I told her I had been raped. The truth is, I have been raped twice. But even now....34 frigging years after the first rape and 31 years after the second, I am still ashamed and embarrassed and feel a certain amount of self blame.

I was afraid it I told her that it had happened twice (because lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place, right?) that she would think I was exaggerating, or that I was never really raped, or that I must have been asking for it.

I am 48 frigging years old and am still feeling this way about something that happened to me when I was 14 and 17! That's insane, sad and wrong. And...it could have been avoided IF someone I would have talked about it then to the right person. But I didn't. And the people I talked to said asinine things to me that made it worse. I have been carrying around anger and resentment for them for years and just saw that tonight for the first time (and here I am, thinking I knew all there was to know about myself...ha, I guess I didn't!)

Here is what I wish would have happened, perhaps this would have promoted healing instead of leading me down a path of promiscuity and more tragedy.

Me: I was raped
Other Person (OP): Oh my gosh, how horrifying, that is awful, what happened?
Me: (shares the details, cries, shares more)
OP: Listens while nodding head and holding my hand
Me: Crying, talking, reliving the horror of it and FEELING HEARD AND CARED FOR
OP: I am so sorry this happened to you, its awful, its tragic, you must have been so scared, I am so very sorry....(holds me and lets me cry)

The incident still would have had a negative effect on me, but if this would have been the scenario I guarantee I WOULD HAVE HAD A MUCH HEALTHIER LIFE, I WOULD HAVE NOT SPENT YEARS AGONIZING IN GUILT AND SHAME. And most of all, I would understand that rape is a crime about violence and control - not sex.

that's all for now...