I lied about being raped

I have to get this out. This blog has become therapeutic for me, I told myself I was starting it to give others a place to talk about their experience and to educate people, but its becoming clear that its for me.

Ok, here is what happened tonight: I lied to a woman in my class. Well, I didn't lie, but I didn't tell the whole truth so it feels like a lie. I told her I had been raped. The truth is, I have been raped twice. But even now....34 frigging years after the first rape and 31 years after the second, I am still ashamed and embarrassed and feel a certain amount of self blame.

I was afraid it I told her that it had happened twice (because lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place, right?) that she would think I was exaggerating, or that I was never really raped, or that I must have been asking for it.

I am 48 frigging years old and am still feeling this way about something that happened to me when I was 14 and 17! That's insane, sad and wrong. And...it could have been avoided IF someone I would have talked about it then to the right person. But I didn't. And the people I talked to said asinine things to me that made it worse. I have been carrying around anger and resentment for them for years and just saw that tonight for the first time (and here I am, thinking I knew all there was to know about myself...ha, I guess I didn't!)

Here is what I wish would have happened, perhaps this would have promoted healing instead of leading me down a path of promiscuity and more tragedy.

Me: I was raped
Other Person (OP): Oh my gosh, how horrifying, that is awful, what happened?
Me: (shares the details, cries, shares more)
OP: Listens while nodding head and holding my hand
Me: Crying, talking, reliving the horror of it and FEELING HEARD AND CARED FOR
OP: I am so sorry this happened to you, its awful, its tragic, you must have been so scared, I am so very sorry....(holds me and lets me cry)

The incident still would have had a negative effect on me, but if this would have been the scenario I guarantee I WOULD HAVE HAD A MUCH HEALTHIER LIFE, I WOULD HAVE NOT SPENT YEARS AGONIZING IN GUILT AND SHAME. And most of all, I would understand that rape is a crime about violence and control - not sex.

that's all for now...

What to say to a rape victim, and more of my story - Part One

I didn't learn this in training - I know this from experience. What you say to someone immediately following a rape, or anytime thereafter for that matter, can have a huge impact on the victim - negative or positive.

Since the majority of rapes are perpetrated by a person the victim knows, it is common for her to feel:

Guilty, Ashamed, Embarrassed - and to doubt herself "What did I do to cause him to think he could have sex with me?"

In the case of an abduction rape, the main thing is FEAR and it is much more traumatic. I'll stick with what I know and use myself as an example.

Things not to say:

"What were you wearing?"
"Did you come on to him?"
"Are you sure he raped you?"
"What did you do to give him the idea you wanted sex?"

You get the picture - do not say ANYTHING that even remotely suggests she did something to provoke the offender. She is most likely beating herself up with these questions and does not need you to enforce them. The bottom line is:

IF A WOMAN SAYS NO - AND THE MAN DOES NOT STOP - IT IS RAPE (or depending on what he does to her or makes her do to him some other form of sexual assault).

When I was raped I felt that I had put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people and therefore I deserved it and got what I asked for. THAT IS BULLSHIT! I wish I could back in time and tell that 14 year old me that she did nothing wrong.

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I personally believe that women do have a responsibility to behave the way they want to be treated. But I don't believe that if a woman chooses to wear revealing clothing it means "she's asking for it". If a woman starts to kiss a guy etc. and wants to stop - she has that right. I know several girls who have lost their virginity when they did not want to because they thought it would be worse to get a reputation as "a tease". Its frustrating to be all hot and then have to stop, but that's life....and rape could mean LIFE IN PRISON.

I had a very disturbing conversation with a man last night who would argue what I said above. He believes that there's a fine line between rape and "finishing what was started". I will have to save that for another time. Needless to say we disagreed on many points but it was a good conversation for me to have. It showed me how many people (men and women) view the victim.

More later...