A Community for Survivors of Rape and Sexual Abuse and Their Friends and Family

I received a heartbreaking comment here this week.  It reminded me once again how alone and devastated one can feel as they try to live a "normal" life after having their childhood corrupted and stolen from them by sexual abuse.  Its so hard to talk about it because, as I've mentioned before, even if the victim is willing to bring it up - it makes other people uncomfortable because they don't know what to say. UNLESS you have walked in the same painful shoes, its difficult to comfort someone and sometimes can even unintentionally make them feel even more isolated by lack of knowing what to say.  That's one reason I recommend Pandy's (officially known as Pandora's Project).

Pandy's is the best resource I know of to find real people who understand and care about what you may be going through.  I have volunteer on their site and donate when I can.  There are other sites out there, RAIIN is the largest one, but I feel that Pandy's is more warm, and inviting with real people there for one purpose.  

Pandora's Project is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization dedicated to providing information, support, and resources to survivors of rape and sexual abuse and their friends and family. We have been devoted to recovery and healing since 1999.

Pandora's Project offers peer support to anyone who has been a victim of rape, sexual assault, or sexual abuse through our online support group, Pandora's Aquarium. We believe that connecting with other rape and sexual abuse survivors is an important part of healing. Our online support group includes a message board, chat room, and blogs. It is free to join and is safely moderated by a diverse group of survivors.

If you are in crisis or need professional support now, check out these resources to find the help you deserve: Crisis Support & Hotlines

Pandora's Project is staffed entirely by volunteers. To make a tax-deductible donation to support our work, please visit our donations page.

Victim vs Survivor

Definitions:

Victim: a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action

Survivor:  a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks.

We don't have a choice in being victims....its something that happens to us.

But we do have a choice about becoming a survivor.  Its not easy.  It took me years to get to the point where I was ready to face the fact that I had been a victim and was no longer going to allow it to be a determining factor in my life.

I'd like to wish a Happy Birthday to Carrie, a survivor.

I am Strong but Fragile - What Rape Does to Your Life

My entire life has been full of tragedies and sadness.  I am not saying that for pity, PLEASE don't ever feel sorry for me, that would make me a victim again and it took years to get over.

This post is to try and explain how feeling unsafe as a child, being molested and raped and raped again as a teen, can cause a young woman's life to take a turn towards ugliness and sorrow.  It presents three paths:

- the path to hating men and sex
- the path to being strong and overcoming
- the path to believing that sex = love and becoming a slut promiscuous and looking for love through sex, never trusting men, always feeling used, never experiencing true intimacy


I walked down the third path until my late 20's when I chose to end that cycle and become strong.  Then at age 30 I accidentally got pregnant, and although I had had multiple abortions in my youth, this time it was never a question.  I was going to be the best damn mother in the world.

I didn't date for 11 years.  Met a guy, he hurt me and I fell right back into path number three, minus the sexual promiscuity.  I didn't think I would EVER be able to trust a man.  It took years to get to a place that I could open my heart and accept true love.  Then I was hurt again. 

So when people make light of sexual abuse and rape, I get furious.  Some of us are scarred for life by the events of our past, that does not make us weak, it makes us human.  Humans naturally do whatever they can to protect themselves, to cope.

So when you are talking to a woman who appears to be strong and handling her past sexual abuse/rape well, know that if she is, she's rare.  Inside she probably hurts to this very day.  She may wonder if she will ever be "normal" and experience relationships with men that are healthy.  She may find comfort reaching out to others, she may be in denial, she may just continue to look for true love.  I still believe it exists, I just don't know if it exists for me or not.