"You seem fine, how did it affect your life?"

I've been asked this question quite a few times. I have two answers, the short one and the long one. I usually say the short one unless I feel that the person asking really wants to understand or it would benefit them in someway to understand.

Short answer:

It was a long time ago, I've healed.

Long answer:

I seem fine on the surface, but if you know me well you know that I am not "fine".

I spent many years of my life trying to ignore all the emotions that stemmed from my past. It was like I had to be IN CONTROL of my emotions and of men. Since I am a relatively quiet, "sweet" person I couldn't use my personality to control them. Instead, I used the one "weapon" I had - sexuality. I prided myself in being able to seduce any man/boy that struck my fancy. I saw absolutely nothing immoral, unusual or unsafe about it. It was who I was, what I did.

You would think the main person I hurt with this lifestyle would be myself, but that's not the case. Whether we like it or not, our actions always affect those around us. I've had conversations with some friends who have admitted to me that my behavior influenced them in a negative way.

I know I also hurt some really nice guys who actually cared for me. I was not comfortable with guys who treated me well, respected me and were decent human beings. The pattern was always the same:

Meet a nice guy, date him for awhile, he'd fall in love with me, I'd get uncomfortable and leave him for someone that was abusive, mean and typically either a drug addict or alcoholic. Then when I was sick of the abuse (mostly verbal) I'd leave for a nice guy and the pattern would repeat itself.

The only thing that broke that pattern was having a child. I stayed away from men for 11 years and the pattern was finally broken because my heart, mind and soul changed when I became a mom. That simplifies it but you get the idea.

But am I "fine"? No. I wouldn't say that a 48 year old single woman who cries herself to sleep because she's lonely is fine. But that's what I do sometimes.

Coach Caught with Child Pornography

Once again the same scenario - a guy working at a job that involves young boys to give him access to them. The article doesn't say anything about a past record or accuse him of any acts other than having child porn (of boys).

Its very sad that we have to suspect men (and sometimes women) who choose to coach, teach or volunteer with our youth. But that's the MO of most pedophiles. What a shame for the legitimate people who want to make an impact and help/teach/mentor young people.

I'm glad that there are task forces in place to investigate. Lets hope they caught this guy before he acted out and can keep a close eye on him from here on out. Anyone want to make a wager on whether or not he was a victim of a pedophile in his youth? I'll bet my entire savings on it.

Full Story Here

Jon Benet Ramsey Case

The headline news say that her family has been "cleared" due to new DNA evidence that they found on her body that did not belong to anyone in her family.

All I have to say is:

That's great but that does NOT dismiss all the other evidence.

SOMEONE was sexually abusing her for a long time. That's what the evidence shows. There's a lot more evidence but I've made my point.

Brooke Bennett is found dead - Anyone surprised by that?

I wrote about Brooke Bennett on my other blog today.

She's a young girl (12) that has been missing and was found dead today, murdered by her uncle, a convicted sex offender.

What can be done to protect our children? My suggestion would be to castrate convicted pedophiles and if that doesn't work they could have their penis removed. Of course that may still not work because they can still do horrific things to a child without one.

I am sick of it.

They say we as parents need to teach our children to be aware, etc. etc. I agree, yet it saddens me that kids can't enjoy being kids. I don't know what the answer is.

I am a victim. My life is not horrible, but I have never had a healthy relationship with a man.

Its horrifying to wonder what the last hours of her life were like. Its easier to just push it out of one's mind. I wish I could be so lucky to just close my mind and not care.

I don't write here often - I appreciate the women and men who have dedicated their time to blogging/writing daily on these topics (see links). I read your blogs even if I don't comment.

P.S. WHEN WILL THEY FIGURE OUT THAT THESE PEOPLE CAN NOT BE HELPED AND DO SOMETHING TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM KIDS?