Thank You Anonymous

Someone left a comment here that is so important I am making a post out of it. This is such a typical scenario!

I hope I did not give the impression that most child molesters/rapists are pedophiles. In fact the opposite is true. As I pointed out earlier, a true pedophile is rare. Its the people in your neighborhood that look just like us that need to be watched. This is such a sad story, my heart breaks for this family.

Again, thank you Anonymous for sharing this:


I'm interested in this topic because my daughter was a victim of CSA. The perp was one of our best friends, someone with a wife and daughter the same age as ours, pillar of the community, "Christian", conservative, neighborhood watch, yada, yada, yada. His daughter and mine had been good friends since kindergarten. We babysat for each other; we spent Christmases together. Before I found out what he'd done, if I'd wanted to form a vigilante he would have been one of the first guys on the posse.

So I think it's important to emphasize that most molesting of children is not done by true pedophiles (who are fairly rare) but by your neighbour, your uncle, grandpa, the nice Christian youth pastor, the coach your kid adores, etc. I think these people do have a faulty circuit that makes it possible for them to justify having kids as sexual partners, but they do not see themselves as pedophiles, nor are children typically their first choice, unless it becomes a habit. They go after kids because it is easy. Quite simply they feel like having sex or simply abusing or humiliating someone and they know that the chances of it coming back to bite them are much less likely than if they choose an adult. They find an opportunity and they take advantage of it. In our case my husband was in the hospital with cancer so our attention was directed elsewhere when the abuse began. It continued for about a year. I thought my daughter's depression and anxiety was about her dad's cancer and school.

I'm not sure where the figure of 95% are family members comes from. The figure I have often seen is that 90% of the perpetrators are known to the victim (this includes teen date rape situations) and 60% are family members, the most common family abuser being a stepfather or "boyfriend" of the mother. But I know the statistics on child abuse vary so hugely as to make it almost impossible to say something meaningful at times. For example, sex offender activists are fond of saying that there is only a 5% or less recidivism rate based on studies conducted by the US justice department. However these were short term studies that might only follow the perp for a year after release. Corrections Canada did a much longer term study and found an overall recividism rate of 30% for all sex offenders and over 70% for pedophiles. Of course, this only describes those that are caught - presumably the dumbest ones.

The other figure that I've read consistently is that 1/4 girls and 1/7 boys will be sexually assaulted or abused before they are 18, for girls approximately 1/2 that number by the time they are 11. I've confirmed this with my own independent and unscientific poll of people close enough to me that I told them about my daughter's abuse. 1/4 of them were also sexually assaulted or abused as children. I had known some of them all my life (2 were siblings) and I hadn't know that about them - so strong was their shame that kept it a secret. I am not in some demographic anomaly. I'm middle-class educated white (not that it matters) Canadian, I live in a quiet suburban "safe" neighbourhood. I come from a loving intact family. My family and most of my friends are in the same demographic. I say this because some people think that these things only happen in poor, drug-addled, ethnic neighbourhoods - those are just the people getting caught.

The best way to keep your kids safe is to never let them be alone with a male (95% of molesters are male) But that's not possible, so the second best thing you can do is this:
-tell your kids about sexual abuse and tell them that it is important to tell you if anyone touches them or even tries to be alone with them, if they show them pictures of naked people or try to give them alcohol - even if it is their dad or their uncle or grandpa or even you. Tell them they have to tell more than one person and keep on telling until someone does something about it. Emphasize that if this happens that it has nothing to do with them, that the adult who does this has a problem and needs help. Tell them you are going to tell all your friends and your child's friends parents, and all your relatives that you have told them this. Then do it. Tell everybody who has anything to do with your kid that you have warned them to tell you if anyone tries to touch them and that you have regular talks about it. Bring it up in conversation frequently - loudly. Child molesters are cowards and opportunists. Just like thieves will pass on cars and houses with alarms, child molesters will pass on kids when they think there is a higher likelihood they will be caught.

As a parent I was stupid. I thought child molesters were that creepy guy living in his mother's basement who drove around in a white van with a puppy in the back. I thought if I warned my kids about "stranger danger" and lived in a nice, safe neighbourhood with nice, safe law-abiding friends my kids would be safe. I was squeamish about talking too much about sexual abuse because I didn't want my kids to be afraid. I even told my daughter's abuser this over dinner once - that I downplayed talking about sex abuse with my kids because I didn't want them to distrust adults and besides I knew they were always with someone I trusted. We pretty much handed her over on a platter. Her life has been ruined and our family wounded for ever and grief-stricken watching her try to fight the inner demons that try and destroy her.

The charges against the perp were eventually dropped because my daughter was too sick to testify. Even if it had gone to court a conviction would have been very difficult - his word against hers and she being a girl who by this time had serious mental health issues. Even if he had been convicted the best result we could have hoped for was a suspended sentence and a couple of years probation. The pig still lives in his big house with his happy family just around the corner.