Once again I learned a lot tonight. Way too much to try and explain here, but it was interesting. Saw some graphic photos of damaged caused by rape. The forensic nurse was incredible. Too tired to talk about it, but she was impressive that 's for damn sure.
I doubted myself tonight while looking at a photo of an examining room and imagining myself sitting next to the victim as she undergoes a humiliating, painful exam. I am the type of person that would not want anyone around...I didn't even want anyone to KNOW what happened to me. I lived with my injuries and risked my health because that was preferable to the shame and intrusion and questions.
Can I really do this? I talked with the supervisor of the whole program and she has a feeling she will want to recruit me to do "more" whatever that means. I didn't ask her why because I don't ask questions like that. I have such a low self worth that I fear asking a questions that relate to me, my best friend gets SO MAD at me because I constantly divert conversations away from myself. I guess in that way, I will be the perfect advocate/counselor because that's what we are suppose to do - focus on the victim. If she asks us about ourself we need to change the topic back to her (in a polite non-obvious way).
But, when a crisis happens, or when someone is hurting, I have no problem focusing everything on the other person and helping them - its one of the few times I don't think self-conscious or self-defeating thoughts.
It reminds of the time a heard loud screaming and went outside to see a woman down the street hysterically yelling "my husband is dead!". I didn't know her but I ran over to her without thinking and just held her. She had come home from the store and found her husband floating face down in the swimming pool.
This blog is not suppose to be about me. But I guess in some ways, it is about me. Its about anyone who needs to talk about the experience of being raped. I like to pretend that I am "fine" when really, I am still full of shame and guilt and anger and it was eons ago. If I can talk even one woman through this process and help her NOT feel shame and guilt, all this will be worth it.
2 comments:
Barbara,
I admire what you're doing but I think you have to be careful. Your health and peace of mind must come first. For almost 2 years I did almost nothing else with what little time I had to myself than investigate and dwell on sexual abuse, pedophiles, rapists, etc. I finally realized that I was burning in a fire that may have been created by my daughter's abuse but that I was keeping it alive. I would still like to to something to prevent abuse and help CSA victims, but, truthfully, I haven't been even able to help my own daughter. One thing I did work on was helping with the campaign to raise Canada's age-of-consent to 16 from 14. Thankfully that has now passed. Imagine some 45 year old abusing a little 14 year old girl and there would be nothing the parents could do about it!
My concern now is more for education - with a concentration on education of potential perpetrators. I am always surprised by number of seemingly nice guys who think bonking 12 year olds who are "developed" is OK or who think getting a teenager drunk to have sex with her is OK. We've concentrated on trying to educate kids about sexual abuse but I think that it is not fair to put the onus for stopping abuse on kids. One of the things that was really hard for my daughter was her feeling that she "should have" fought harder, she "should have told", she "shouldn't have" laughed at his jokes, etc. As one convicted sex offender once told me, telling kids to resist someone who abusing them, particularly if the person is someone they are supposed to love, trust and obey is like telling a brick to jump from the wall. We don't tell kids that it is their responsibility to be on the lookout for drunk drivers.
Anyway, my daughter wanted to join the police for awhile, but she's got a long road to go down before she can think about that. Take care of yourself.
Anon, the timing of your comment is eerie. I was just sitting here thinking about this and noticing how its been all encompassing to me for the last few weeks. I have an opportunity to do something else that would give me an outlet to comfort people...but would not have to do with sexual assault or rape. I am seriously thinking about it.
I had a conversation with a male this evening that has the exact mindset that I am trying to fight against and just talking to him had me feeling very upset.
Sigh.
I am sorry for what your daughter had to endure. I know it must be very hard on both of you. Thanks again for your straightforward comment...I totally appreciate it.
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