The class was led by two police officers who are experts in the field. They shared stories, showed us videos of actual interrogations they had done, and even gave us some of their "secret techniques" for getting an offender to confess.
After the last couple of weeks we have heard some pretty hardcore stuff in class and even though none of us are desensitized, you do get accustomed to being horrified by these stories....but nothing prepared me something I heard today, I think the majority of the class gasped. Without too many details, I'll just share the bottom line:
I heard a 9 year old boy (on a recording) confront his dad and say "Dad, I didn't like it when you put your dick in my butt". The father said "Oh, I'm sorry buddy." Can you imagine? This happens all the time. Its unspeakable, so I won't even try to express how it made me feel to hear that innocent young voice saying that...In the above case the perpetrator is in prison and will hopefully stay there for a loooooong time.
Here is something new and upsetting I learned that relates to the above:
I pointed out Megan's Law website in a post the other day. I assumed that ALL the registered sex offenders in California had to sign up on that site. I was wrong. If you read the fine print you will learn that:
In the cases of FAMILY MEMBERS they have a choice of whether or not to register on the site. Who the hell would choose to do it if they don't have to!
BUT GET THIS - 95% OF THE OFFENDERS KNOWN BY THE VICTIM - 95%!!!!!!
So, all the pervs you see on there molested, raped or abused someone outside their family. There are a hell of a lot sickos still on the lose. The reasoning behind this? They have suffered enough because most of them lose their family as a result, many lose their jobs, etc. So why inconvenience then any further? Grrrrr?
That reminds me - all this applies to the State of California. Different states have different laws. The most lenient states: New Mexico and Nevada. The strictest: Texas.
Other thought that are rambling through my brain that I just have to get out:
1. A few years ago there was a horrendous rape case here....I don't even want to name it on my blog because its so disgusting. Well, the dude (he's only 22) got out of jail today and is once again freeing roaming the streets after only a three short years in prison.
2. Stereotypes can be accurate, or totally off base, but criminal profiles paint a very clear picture and we can use that info to protect our children and ourselves. For example, if your kid has a sports coach that is single and/or does not have a child on the team - you better make sure you keep an eye on him.
3. True pedophiles are actually uncommon. 85% of child molesters are "situational" and will act out with whoever is available rather than seeking them out. Sadly this is not an uncommon scenario: a guy is sitting around watching TV alone with his stepdaughter and has never sexually touched a kid is his life but for some reason he suddenly feels compelled to and....well it happens way too often.
4. A true pedophile will openly state that they LOVE children and that its perfectly natural for them to have the relationship they have. They think we are unloving for not understanding. Did you see the interview of Michael Jackson several years ago? Enough said.
5. Pedophiles CAN NOT BE REHABILITATED. There is proof of this (at least I am convinced)
a) some men actually ask to be physically castrated to try and stop their behavior. Even though this leaves them impotent and unable to have an erection, they still THINK about it all the time and often still molest children with their hands/mouth.
b) imagine this: You are a 40 year heterosexual woman. Can you suddenly change your sexual preference and start liking 6 year old boys? NO! And men who like 6 year old boys can't change their preference to mature woman either. Its just the way they have always been and will always be.
6. MySpace is not nearly as bad as people make it sound. The problem is when parents don't know what their kids are doing on it. Today's use of Myspace is the normal, typical way teens communicate....like when we used to talk on the phone for hours as teens - now they talk online.
7. If there are show's like "How to Catch a Predator" on TV how can anyone be stupid enough to still get caught? I don't know, but they do. Over and over again.
8. This is not really valid but I have to say it: Why is there always one very annoying person in any class that asks detailed long questions two minutes and makes everyone irritated? Thank goodness the cops leading the class didn't put up with it and told her to hold her frigging questions till the end. Of course that didn't stop her, but it did cut down on how often she did it.
9. We also saw a videotaped interview with a pedophile that was serving a life prison (without parole). He freely shared about what went through his mind, how he found his victims, how he gained their trust...etc. etc. It was very informative - and sickening.
3 comments:
What makes Myspace so bad is that MOST of the parents with children that age are fairly computer illiterate. I know most of my friends are. They just didn't have to learn to be a computer genius for the jobs they had and most aren't interested now. I have a close friend that is an RN who can barely sign into the internet and surf and wonders why her computer has all this adware and porn dialers after her 2o something year old son is on...DUH! I learned that Myspace existed several years ago by logging into my older daughters e-mail. She uses the same password for everything so it was pretty easy to see what she was doing behind her back. If I could only tell you as she got older some of the things I found on her computer, you would never believe it. Also I get all kinds of invites from porn sites in my Myspace e-mail (I report all of it).
Great informative stuff here Layla. I read it all......
If I had to identify one "type" of person I have the most discomfort counselling it is someone who had been convicted of pedophilia. By the time they end up in my office, they have been in and out of jail and are back in the neighbourhood. The whole confidentiality thing (which I do adhere to) sometimes drives me crazy because I want to ring a LARGE bell and shout to the rooftops that there is a sicko in the midst. Not too professional eh?
My reaction and personal triggers stem from the many many victims I have met over the years who are such wounded souls.....true survivors, however their lives have been scared beyond repair. It breaks my heart.
Castration isn't good enough as far as I'm concerned. How Christian is that of me? This is where I stuggle with my faith....and the very idea that we are all a part of the body of Christ. Evil lurks....and I can't seem to reconcile this in my heart.
Hi Barb,
I followed you here from Gary Means' blog. I would rather remain anonymous here - well you'll see why.
I'm interested in this topic because my daughter was a victim of CSA. The perp was one of our best friends, someone with a wife and daughter the same age as ours, pillar of the community, "Christian", conservative, neighbourhood watch, yada, yada, yada. His daughter and mine had been good friends since kindergarten. We babysat for each other; we spent Christmasses together. Before I found out what he'd done, if I'd wanted to form a vigilante he would have been one of the first guys on the posse.
So I think it's important to emphasize that most molesting of children is not done by true pedophiles (who are fairly rare) but by your neighbour, your uncle, grandpa, the nice Christian youth pastor, the coach your kid adores, etc. I think these people do have a faulty circuit that makes it possible for them to justify having kids as sexual partners, but they do not see themselves as pedophiles, nor are children typically their first choice, unless it becomes a habit. They go after kids because it is easy. Quite simply they feel like having sex or simply abusing or humiliating someone and they know that the chances of it coming back to bite them are much less likely than if they choose an adult. They find an opportunity and they take advantage of it. In our case my husband was in the hospital with cancer so our attention was directed elsewhere when the abuse began. It continued for about a year. I thought my daughter's depression and anxiety was about her dad's cancer and school.
I'm not sure where the figure of 95% are family members comes from. The figure I have often seen is that 90% of the perpetrators are known to the victim (this includes teen date rape situations) and 60% are family members, the most common family abuser being a stepfather or "boyfriend" of the mother. But I know the statistics on child abuse vary so hugely as to make it almost impossible to say something meaningful at times. For example, sex offender activists are fond of saying that there is only a 5% or less recidivism rate based on studies conducted by the US justice department. However these were short term studies that might only follow the perp for a year after release. Corrections Canada did a much longer term study and found an overall recividism rate of 30% for all sex offenders and over 70% for pedophiles. Of course, this only describes those that are caught - presumably the dumbest ones.
The other figure that I've read consistently is that 1/4 girls and 1/7 boys will be sexually assaulted or abused before they are 18, for girls approximately 1/2 that number by the time they are 11. I've confirmed this with my own independent and unscientific poll of people close enough to me that I told them about my daughter's abuse. 1/4 of them were also sexually assaulted or abused as children. I had known some of them all my life (2 were siblings) and I hadn't know that about them - so strong was their shame that kept it a secret. I am not in some demographic anomaly. I'm middle-class educated white (not that it matters) Canadian, I live in a quiet suburban "safe" neighbourhood. I come from a loving intact family. My family and most of my friends are in the same demographic. I say this because some people think that these things only happen in poor, drug-addled, ethnic neighbourhoods - those are just the people getting caught.
The best way to keep your kids safe is to never let them be alone with a male (95% of molesters are male) But that's not possible, so the second best thing you can do is this:
-tell your kids about sexual abuse and tell them that it is important to tell you if anyone touches them or even tries to be alone with them, if they show them pictures of naked people or try to give them alcohol - even if it is their dad or their uncle or grandpa or even you. Tell them they have to tell more than one person and keep on telling until someone does something about it. Emphasize that if this happens that it has nothing to do with them, that the adult who does this has a problem and needs help. Tell them you are going to tell all your friends and your child's friends parents, and all your relatives that you have told them this. Then do it. Tell everybody who has anything to do with your kid that you have warned them to tell you if anyone tries to touch them and that you have regular talks about it. Bring it up in conversation frequently - loudly. Child molesters are cowards and opportunists. Just like thieves will pass on cars and houses with alarms, child molesters will pass on kids when they think there is a higher likelihood they will be caught.
As a parent I was stupid. I thought child molesters were that creepy guy living in his mother's basement who drove around in a white van with a puppy in the back. I thought if I warned my kids about "stranger danger" and lived in a nice, safe neighbourhood with nice, safe law-abiding friends my kids would be safe. I was squeamish about talking too much about sexual abuse because I didn't want my kids to be afraid. I even told my daughter's abuser this over dinner once - that I downplayed talking about sex abuse with my kids because I didn't want them to distrust adults and besides I knew they were always with someone I trusted. We pretty much handed her over on a platter. Her life has been ruined and our family wounded for ever and grief-stricken watching her try to fight the inner demons that try and destroy her.
The charges against the perp were evenually dropped because my daughter was too sick to testify. Even if it had gone to court a conviction would have been very difficult - his word against hers and she being a girl who by this time had serious mental health issues. Even if he had been convicted the best result we could have hoped for was a suspended sentence and a couple of years probation. The pig still lives in his big house with his happy family just around the corner.
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