I've been asked this question quite a few times. I have two answers, the short one and the long one. I usually say the short one unless I feel that the person asking really wants to understand or it would benefit them in someway to understand.
Short answer:
It was a long time ago, I've healed.
Long answer:
I seem fine on the surface, but if you know me well you know that I am not "fine".
I spent many years of my life trying to ignore all the emotions that stemmed from my past. It was like I had to be IN CONTROL of my emotions and of men. Since I am a relatively quiet, "sweet" person I couldn't use my personality to control them. Instead, I used the one "weapon" I had - sexuality. I prided myself in being able to seduce any man/boy that struck my fancy. I saw absolutely nothing immoral, unusual or unsafe about it. It was who I was, what I did.
You would think the main person I hurt with this lifestyle would be myself, but that's not the case. Whether we like it or not, our actions always affect those around us. I've had conversations with some friends who have admitted to me that my behavior influenced them in a negative way.
I know I also hurt some really nice guys who actually cared for me. I was not comfortable with guys who treated me well, respected me and were decent human beings. The pattern was always the same:
Meet a nice guy, date him for awhile, he'd fall in love with me, I'd get uncomfortable and leave him for someone that was abusive, mean and typically either a drug addict or alcoholic. Then when I was sick of the abuse (mostly verbal) I'd leave for a nice guy and the pattern would repeat itself.
The only thing that broke that pattern was having a child. I stayed away from men for 11 years and the pattern was finally broken because my heart, mind and soul changed when I became a mom. That simplifies it but you get the idea.
But am I "fine"? No. I wouldn't say that a 48 year old single woman who cries herself to sleep because she's lonely is fine. But that's what I do sometimes.
4 comments:
Hi Barbara, I understand. I live two lives at times. And then their are the stuffed animals.... My first shrink had a bear named "Bear". Creative. Anyway, if my shrink went out of town, I took Bear home to get me through the time she was away. I had my own bear too and slept with her every night. The bear represented my accepting of myself. Both bears now sit on my bed during the daytime - that is if I manage to get my bed made.
Di
Di,
Its a huge comfort to know someone understands. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Barbara,
I can relate to so much of what you say in your post. I admire you. I was going to say I was never raped, but was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a child.
Different situations. Same results.
What you write here - was there & done that. For some reason, if I had a man in my life, I was pretty much okay. My children did the same for me also.
If I were single & after my children left, I abused myself horribly with relationships (if that's what you want to call them).
I was always told, "you don't need a man in your life.".. and other comments. I know I didn't, but it wasn't about the men. It was about me taking on the responsibility of other's actions. Punishing myself because I just knew it was my fault. It must have been.
Even today, "knowing" it wasn't mine to take on, it wasn't personal, they were sick people, I have a difficult time "accepting" my behavior as a result of the abuse.
One day/moment at a time. Recovery from anything is an ongoing process.
I just love reading your blogs. You have no idea how much they inspire me. Unfortunately I understand rape all too well. It has happened a total of 4 times to me, so I did come to the conclusion that it HAD to be my fault. How could it not be if it happened so many times? It just didn't seem like coincidence to me. I HAD to be doing something wrong. I suppose you could say I'm still having a hard time accepting that it has never once been my fault. Thanks for the reminder that it wasn't. Again, you have inspired and encouraged me!
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