Saturday, January 22, 2011

Life Is Not Fair



When a child is sexually abused, no matter what age, their childhood is stolen and the course of their life changes.  The victim lives with the after affects as the predator, the offender, the monster, moves on to his/her next victim.

No matter what age, child or adult, something very twisted happens in our psyche when someone assaults us sexually.  We are 100% innocent, not at fault in any way, but more often than not one of the after effects is feeling ashamed, guilty and sometimes even as if we asked for it.

This is a heartbreaking tragedy.

Humiliation, fear, anger, shame, self blame, anxiety, self loathing, a sense of being ruined and dirty, lack of self worth.

All these things, and more, lead to a person not having the opportunity to have a healthy self esteem.  It can lead to promiscuity; hatred of the opposite sex; a belief that the only thing valuable about themselves as a person is their sexuality.

I hate the word victim because there is no positive association with that word.  I like to help victims change their way of thinking and start to call themselves "survivors".  Yes - we were victims, but we survived.  If we continue living as victims the other person (people) won and we continue to suffer day in and day out.

Its a lifelong battle and its so unfair.

Its unfair when a child is diagnosed with cancer.  They lose their childhood too.  They live with all sorts of pain and fear.  But people are their to love and support them through it.  They never feel it was their fault they got cancer.  They don't feel like less of a person.  It won't change the types of relationships they have in the future.

And - they are looked at with compassion or even respect for fighting the battle.

A girl who was raped, a boy who was molested, they typically live with their secret.  They tell no one.  Its too horrible to talk about.  They fear what will happen to them if they tell.

If someone does find out - they are looked at with pity or more likely, they are avoided or the subject is glossed over in denial because no one wants to address it, its too damn ugly.

So...please understand that you are a victim that is also a survivor.  Don't let the monsters win, fight for your self worth, work through your anger, accept the unfairness.

Talk to someone who understands...someone who knows how it feels.  You can take your life back.  It will never be 100% gone the emotional wounds heal goes on but the scars never completely fade, they are a lifelong reminder.

I'm sorry life is so unfair and that so many children lose their innocence.  I wish I knew a way to make it all just stop.

5 comments:

Faith A. said...

As a survivor of abuse, this post really hit hard. I was a teenager when I was abused, and at the time I thought I was no longer a kid and that I could handle what happened to me on my own. Looking back, I can see now how young I was an how, at that moment, my childhood was ripped away from me. I've been grieving the loss of it ever since.

This post is so important because it reminds us that what happened to us is not our fault...something that I know I need reminding of because I still feel that I could have done something different or that there is something intrinsically wrong with me because this happened to me.

I love your website and what it stands for. Thank you. <3

-Faith
girlwithawhiterose.blogspot.com

Bar L. said...

Faith, thank you so much for sharing here, it means so much to me when someone comments and what you said made my day.

Aaron aka Frank said...

Hi

My partner is a victim of child abuse and while she has learned to live with it (the perp, her own father, served 18 months of a 7 year jail sentence before being acquitted on appeal) we still deal with the pain.

I have had a gloss over of the articles and there's some interesting stuff. It's a sad state of affairs how prevalent it is, I thought we'd evolved away from that.

I found the blog while looking for articles on Attina Cannaday after seeing the movie "Too Young To Die?" My partner found the opening scenes very difficult to watch, and we were both very depressed by the end. It was a compelling view on the situation which is set to only get worse.

It almost makes me feel ashamed to call myself a fellow human, to know that these crimes continue on often under a shroud of shame.

Thank you for this blog, and I hope you find the path to healing, the path that we and survivors the world over seek.

Bar L. said...

Thirdwheel, I appreciate the several comments you've added. Comments add so much to this blog. Its sad beyond words to know of all this suffering. And the injustice of your partner's "father" makes me ill. 18 months? If I could take justice in my own hands he'd be in jail for 18 years, minimum.

Jeannette Altes said...

Wow, this so connects with what I just posted on. The biggest thing is to tell - it's also the hardest thing.